


Mornings at the OWCA

by 80sGayTrashGoblin



Series: Human OWCA AU [2]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Gen, Human Perry the Platypus (Phineas and Ferb), Minor Canonical Character(s), Swearing, let's be honest they're ocs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-19 09:40:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29624328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/80sGayTrashGoblin/pseuds/80sGayTrashGoblin
Summary: Pinky has paperwork to do, so he's actually at HQ (a shocker, I know). He's there a little early though, so that he can watch the shit show go down.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: Human OWCA AU [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2166198
Comments: 3
Kudos: 56





	Mornings at the OWCA

**Author's Note:**

> Is this me using a light hearted fic to introduce all the characters I'm going to consider in the Danville branch (because I'm paring down the list of agents, F for all those Agent O fans out there)? Yes, yes I am.
> 
> Also yes, I am shipping Pinky and Sergei. Fight me.

It’s a rare day when Pinky goes into HQ.

Poofenplotz was fairly quiet, so today was just a day to do paperwork. It seems like the case for the other agents too, as the breakroom had agents coming in and out in the morning. Pinky was currently sitting there at eight in the morning, technically early but he does appreciate watching the coming and going of his coworkers. And the fights that inevitably break out over the coffee maker. 

Pinky doesn’t drink coffee, instead preferring to sit back and watch the fireworks explode as he drank his Monsters and nibbled on a cinnamon roll. 

First to come in is Emily, codename the Eagle, with a stain on her vest, likely from one of her kids. Poor woman has four children. She deserved the very strong coffee she was currently pouring herself.

“Hey Pinky,” Emily asked, looking through the fridge. “Where’s the vanilla creamer?” 

“It’s behind the soy milk,” Pinky responded. One of the junior agents had tried to hide all the creamer, but the bags under Emily’s eyes were darker than her black band, so Pinky took pity on her. 

“You’re an angel, Pinky,” Emily said, the slight southern drawl coming through because she’s so tired. He just gave her a thumbs up as she mixed her coffee. 

Two more agents shuffled in, one a ray of sunshine and the other the definition of tired. Emily simply groaned and left, while Delilah (codename the Dog) dragged her girlfriend Olivia (codename the Owl) into the breakroom. 

Because Pinky didn’t want to be cursed by Olivia’s evil eye, he said immediately, “There’s already half a cup of strong coffee in the pot.”

Olivia just muttered something under her breath about murder, while Delilah grinned and gave him a thumbs up. “Olivia appreciates it.” 

Pinky just raised up his Monster in solidarity. 

“I don’t understand how you can be so chipper this early in the morning,” Olivia grumbled, sipping out of the pot. Delilah shrugged, putting another empty pot under the coffee maker. 

“Are those cinnamon rolls?” Delilah asked, her eyes sparkling at the box on the table. Pinky gestured to them, and she took one, gladly chowing down while her girlfriend glared bloody murder. 

Ferdie (codename the Frog, yes he’s gonna continue to do that) peeked his head in around the corner, saw who was inside, then ducked back behind the wall. Taking pity on the poor guy, Pinky spoke up. “You guys should probably head in before Olivia tries to brew herself a second pot of coffee.” 

“You’re probably right,” Delilah said. She shoved the rest of the cinnamon roll into her mouth, wrapping one arm around her girlfriend’s shoulders and guiding them both out of the breakroom. Olivia didn’t even respond, just following along and continuing to drink out of the pot. 

“Oh thank god,” Ferdie sighed in relief, slipping into the room. He pulled out a cold brew coffee from the fridge that he keeps, since he likes his coffee weaker while the rest of the agents prefer stronger coffee. “I did not want to be ripped apart this morning.” 

Pinky nodded. A reasonable fear to have, especially this early in the morning. “Looks like it’s a paperwork day for everyone, huh?” 

Ferdie huffed, starting to chug his coffee. “Yeah, looks like it. Thankfully I’ll probably be out of here by eleven, my backlog isn’t as high.”

Pinky shook his head, taking another bite of his cinnamon roll. “Reports have kind of been pushed to the back burner for me. Journalism 301 isn’t gonna pass itself.”

Ferdie chuckled at that. “Thank god I’m not a Junior Agent anymore. Although our workloads have got to be nothing compared to Perry’s…” 

Pinky nodded at that. Poor Perry: as the best operative in the United States, he’s often running international missions along with the usual battles with his nemesis. His paperwork has got to be a mile high.

“Cinnamon roll?” Pinky offered, picking one out of the box and holding it out. Ferdie took it, taking a big bite. 

“These the one’s from Annie’s?”

“Hell yeah.” 

“Nice.” 

After a few moments of silence, Ferdie nodded to him, Pinky nodded back, and Ferdie left. Pinky took the time to chug the rest of his Monster, before pulling another one out of his hat and continuing to get his caffeine (he did not get any sleep last night because he was finishing a project for college, give him a break). 

Kayla (codename the Kangaroo) and Herman (codename the Hedgehog) come in together, talking about last night’s wrestling match. Kayla starts to make herself another pot of coffee, while Herman grabs a cinnamon roll and continues to drink out his water bottle.

“Look, the Viper won fair and square,” Herman said, taking bites out of his roll. 

“No he absolutely did not,” Kayla ranted. “Did you see that chokehold? He was pressing his thumb into Jackman’s throat! That’s a penalty right there!” 

“You know those fights are staged, right?” Pinky asked, one eyebrow raised. 

“Fuck off!” 

Kayla poured a third of the pot into a mug, mixing in some chocolate syrup. She looked up at Pinky, really looking at him and the table in a way that made Pinky feel like he was about to be mom-friended. “Is that your second Monster?” Yep, there it is.

Looking her dead in the eye and taking another sip of his second Monster, he said “No.” 

She rolled her eyes at that, taking a sip of her coffee. “You’re gonna have a heart attack or something, Pinky.” 

“Tell that to my professor.” 

Herman sighed, one that was both relieved and nostalgic. “Ah, the struggle. I don’t miss being a Junior Agent at all.” 

“I’m a Senior Agent.” 

Kayla ruffled his hair, making Pinky squawk. “Greenies, both of you.” 

“I got my black band seven months ago!” 

“Like I said, greenie.” 

Pinky pouted, taking another bite of his cinnamon roll. “You’re such a mom,” Herman said, a smug look on his face. 

“I am a mom,” Kayla said with pride. “And don’t think you’re escaping either. I know you’ve been sneaking Doritos into your office.” 

Herman’s eyes widened, and he dashed out of the breakroom. Kayla ran after him, and Pinky just laughed his ass off. 

Manny (codename the Mongoose) and Gary (codename the Gander) came in after them, after Pinky had gotten all of his giggles out and started on his second cinnamon roll. Manny poured out another third of the pot, while Gary just nodded at Pinky. Pinky, recognizing a cue when he saw one, pulled a third Monster out of his hat and tossed it to the other agent. 

Gary looked at the Monster, then scrunched his nose. “Really? Generic?”

“What?” Pinky raised an eyebrow, leaning back in his seat. “Beggars can’t be choosers.” 

“You’re a disgrace.” 

“You gonna say something I don’t already know or what?” 

Manny started to die of laughter, probably dumping in more sugar than he wanted to (he likes a ‘pinch of sugar, like the pinch of my mother’). Pinky grinned, taking another sip of his Monster, while Gary sighed. 

“You’re such a greenie.” 

“Seven months!” 

“Still a greenie.” 

Pinky huffed, stuffing a good chunk of cinnamon roll into his gob. Manny pinched one for himself, nibbling on it. “Damn, these are good,” he said. “Annie’s?” 

“That’s what it says on the box.” Pinky shrugged. 

“Hold on,” Manny paused. “Did you eat two of these not knowing who brought them here? These could be poisoned for all you know.” 

“Fuckin greenie,” Gary muttered, and Pinky glared at him. 

“Look, if I survived, I gain some immunity, and if I die, I don’t have to pay my student loan debt,” Pinky shrugged, reaching for a third cinnamon roll. Gary smacked his hand, while Manny rolled his eyes and said something in Hindi that he was pretty sure translated to ‘fucking hell.’

Of course, that’s when Newton (codename the Gnu, yes he’s continuing to do this) and Sergei (codename the Snail) entered the breakroom. “Why are you harassing the greenie?” Newton asked, and Pinky let out a token ‘Seven months!’

“Sergei, you’re here,” Manny sighed. “You’re boyfriend is a fucking बेवकूफ.” Based on the context clues, he’s assuming that he’s being called an idiot. 

“What’s he doing now?” Sergei asked, while pouring himself the last of the coffee and mixing in the caramel creamer. 

“He’s been eating mystery cinnamon rolls that could be poisoned, without confirming whether or not they aren’t poisoned first, or who brought them in,” Gary said, in that condescending British tone that made Pinky want to slug him.

“Oh, I ordered those!” Newton pushed his way through, shaking his protein shake. “I guess the delivery guy just dropped them off with the interns.” He snagged one, taking a big bite. Pinky just shrugged, taking the opportunity to grab a third cinnamon roll. 

“Okay, you got lucky this time,” Sergei sighed. 

“Look, I’ve known this dipshit from when I would be a mentor’s assistant and he was a trainee,” Gary pat Pinky’s head. “He was just as stupid then as he is now. He once ate a piece of bacon off of the ground.” 

Both Sergei and Manny sighed, and Newton just rolled his eyes. “There’s greenie stupid, and then there’s Pinky stupid.” 

“Wow.” Pinky deadpanned. “I came here to have a good time, and I feel so attacked right now.” 

“Babe,” Sergei leaned over. “You’re making me go grey. Please stop.” 

“To be fair, asking Pinky to stop being stupid is like asking Pinky to stop being Pinky,” Manny pointed out. Pinky chucked a cinnamon roll wrapper at him, but he dodged it. 

“Rude. What are you, a therapist?” Pinky snarked. 

“I’m a Psychology major.” 

“The most useless major.” 

“Ladies, ladies,” Newton stepped in, with his stupidly perfect body, and put a hand on both of their shoulders. “You’re both very smart. It’s almost nine, we’ve gotta go.” 

“Where’d Gary go?” Sergei asked, looking around. Looking around, Pinky could see that Gary had disappeared too. 

“Given his track record, he’s either in the Bahamas or dead.” Manny deadpanned. When everyone looked at him, he said quickly, “I’m sure he’s fine.” 

“Good job covering your ass there,” Pinky snarked. Manny smacked him in response. Sergei just shook his head, and Newton wisely decided to peace out.

Sergei leaned in, and pressed a quick kiss to Pinky’s lips. “See you later, babe?” 

“See ya later, alligator,” Pinky winked. Sergei visibly swooned, while Manny rolled his eyes and dragged him out of the break room. 

Pinky stood up, dropping the two empty cans into the recycling bin and popping the tab on the third. He prepared to leave, but just then an unexpected agent stumbled into the break room. 

Perry (codename the Platypus) had deep bags under his eyes, bandages all over his arms, his hat visibly off center and hair sticking up in odd ways. His suit looks like it had been cut and torn and messily sewn back together, and Pinky could see the bandages under his suit. His jaw had a nasty looking bruise on it. Pinky winced: there were consequences to being OWCA’s best agent in the States. 

When he looked at the empty coffee pot, the poor guy looked like he was about to cry. 

Pinky was about to say something (maybe offer to brew another pot for him), when Perry grabbed a bottle of water in the fridge and the bag of Death Wish Espresso (the strongest coffee they’ve got in the office). Pinky could only watch in horror as Perry started grabbing spoonfuls of coffee beans and downing them with water.

As Perry stumbled out of the break room, taking the bag of coffee beans with him, Pinky had just one thought in his head. 

_That’s a man who could kill God barehanded._


End file.
